I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
