i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
