We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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