So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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