Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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