Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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