wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
