I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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