Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
