glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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