I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
