I'm gonna have a badass scar
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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