new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
