How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
