So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
