I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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