Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
