You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
