If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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