Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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