mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
