Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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