You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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