hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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