I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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