I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
