some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She's better-looking with the mask on.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
