Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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