Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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