i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
