i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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