My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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