She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
