I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
