dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So much rum. So many feels.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
