Will you blow on my dice?
barbara walters just said penis...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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