he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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