my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
