Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
