i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
