Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
