In the future we'll all be gay
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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