I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
