I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My vagina just clenched in fear
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
