just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
