my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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