I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
