she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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