when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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