she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
