Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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