so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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